Post of Frustration...UGHH

When is it over?

I am looking forward to the day I can walk without aching knees and lay down and go to sleep. That's what I'm starting today's post off with, because it's a positive outlook.

Now for the rest. I am depressed. Just to simply put it, I feel like no matter what I do, I will always have bad days. That in the end, I have only had band aids to my body and when therapies are stopped I'll regress. If I don't stop I feel like I'm throwing my time and energy out the window because I may not get better.

Its a lose lose situation!

I do the therapies, meet with the doctors, educate myself, find the next best thing, but am I just making things better now. I want to be better all the time-24/7. I believe in my doctor. I believe he gets patients 100% well, I believe I will be one of those patients. I'm just afraid it will be years and years upon more years, before I get to be one of those patients to get well...
I know I have written many posts this year talking about my improvement. I have improved greatly, even now I am better than I have been. The process to get well is just so slow and I feel alone when I'm not well.

I need to elaborate when I say depressed. I'm not standard depressed, I just get depressed at night. During the day I usually have no problem. At night, I feel like it's the end of the world. Like everything I do is worthless, that all of my actions of the day were wrong, I could have done/said/planned whatever it is better and what I did was a mistake, I just start to feel like I have nothing.

I don't know what to do about it. I haven't told the doctors because I know it will resolve with treatment and on some nights it's not bad. I don't know if that's a good choice of not, but I don't want anymore tests that get me put on anymore pills that aren't a permanent fix. Ugh...I feel like I have an amazing doctor, but many days I still feel like I have to fend for myself.

I know I have stated a hundred times before I don't sleep at night. I don't sleep much at all and its late when I finally get to sleep. It just is what it is these days, I sleep better during therapy at the clinic in Kansas. That's good. But that's it. At home I go back to my normal sleep patterns.

This week I am doing brain wave optimization therapy to try to get my brainwaves back in gear. I hope it works. But I'll be honest, my first thought when I started this therapy wasn't This is it, after this I'm going to sleep normal again. My thoughts were, this is boring...what's the chance it's even going to work.
It's not that I don't have faith in the therapy, buy I've just done so many different therapies and remedies in the past....I still don't sleep. Is this really going to be it?? I mean, I'm tired of doing so many different treatments.

It's depressing not being able to do what other people do. I want to get up and go to work, I want to exercise for fun, I want to throw out all my medicines, I don't want to know my doctors home phone number!
Can I tell you what it's like to become chronically ill and your own doctor at 13? It's hard. It's complicated. I wouldn't even know where to start, so I'll just say this,

It would be nice if I could go online and find a study saying XYZ treatment fixed X-Lyme disease problem 100%. I can go online and find all sorts of official, authenticated, backed studies with a bunch of diseases showing what will be beneficial and what's not. Treating Lyme disease is like gambling, who knows what's going to happen.
That goes for traditional, alternative, conventional, whatever you chose treatment. None, NONE have anything to back them with enough information to give people a cure for the disease. Kill bacteria sure, you can find studies about killing bacteria,

But it's not about killing the bacteria, it's about making the patient LIVE!