I Miss My Old Lyme-Wait What?

Tonight the stress of this whole week has finally caught up to me. I miss the beginning of the week when I had some energy and brain power. I miss sleeping beside my best friend and having a companion. I miss having new test results to cheer me up about my future. I miss the peace I had.
I am back home from Kansas, we flew back home this afternoon. Flying always makes me tired no matter how long or short it is. I kept myself well entertained on the plane with Amazon Instant video, I think I have watched every episode of Top Gear UK ever at this point.
I held up fairly well but now that I am home and done for the day I am fried and emotional. I don't want to be alone. I am tired. I need to eat but I can't which means I can't take one of my new supplements, I don't want to skip doses so soon on a new protocol.  just can't do it tonight though. I am too tired to do anymore.

Whats ridiculous is that I am always too tired to do what I want to do but I am never so tired that my brain cannot run wild. I have never been so tired that my brain would stop being paranoid, stressed, or alone feeling. I spent days this week with my best friend, the only time he was more than 5 feet away from me this week was when I was in massage. He was beside me through everything else, my dr knows him now and knows how important having him there with me was. In my life right now, going to the clinic and meeting my doctor is about as personal as you could get with me. 
Having my best friend there kept me sane. I never went stir crazy in the hotel room or felt alone or trapped. We kept ourselves fairly entertained with netflix and movies. 
We even went to the junkyard on tuesday and found parts for my Volvo. I wouldn't have done that without him being there. PS if you own an old Volvo parts for them are few and far between. This was the only junkyard out of the 9 i called that had one car with two parts on it I could use.
In the evenings we would go to Happy hour in the hotel lobby to get out of the room and be around other people. He would get a soda and I would ask for a soda still in the can, then I would keep it so my friend could drink it later. 
We kept from getting bored while just sitting around for most of the day. We even explored Target for a little bit once. 
This made all of the difference in the world for me, I really needed a friend with me. The last few visits to the clinic I have gone stir crazy from sitting around the hotel room but having no energy to do anything. I was relaxed this week. All was well in my world.
When my friend left yesterday morning and I was back to the usual routine, the stir crazy came back. During the evening I was alone in the room for about an hour. I packed, cleaned the kitchen, and paced the room because I just could not just sit down with my thoughts for another second. I finally gave up and found something to watch that worked good enough as a distraction. But it was hard. 
This morning I had to keep moving because of the tight schedule of checking out of the hotel, going to the clinic, then catching an airplane, so I have not had time to think until now.

Until last year when I broke I never needed constant support. I never needed my hand held. I was strong. I was lyme strong. I had lived through burning and searing pain, nightmares, days without sleep, days without friends, nausea, I fought it and I would win. 
Now I never want to be alone, I can feel alone in a crowded room, I want someone to hold my hand and walk with me through this. I do not connect with just anyone, theres very very few people I feel all that close to or I trust. 
I miss how I used to be sick. I would be tired but calm, so no matter how horrible I felt I could just stay in bed watching tv. I could go get an IV and life would somewhat improve for at least a short time( i just had to make it through the die off period). In the hotel at the clinic I used to be okay with just loafing with the tv remote because I did not feel like doing anything. 
I would find something to do, text, read, blog. It was all good. I didn't necessarily enjoy how I felt or anything like that but I could make life happen with how I was then.
I can't always make life happen that easily when my brain goes out. The last month I have lived through pretty well. I mean school is going well, I bought a project car to fix up myself and sell(previously mentioned Volvo), sleeping hasn't been the hardest thing ever, paranoia has been on the low. 
I have had a few not so good moments where I over did it. One afternoon when I was home alone, I walked down to the kitchen to get a snack. Somewhere between getting food from the cabinet and walking to the counter I lost it. I cried and tears were rolling down my face, I was upset and angry, I felt alone and wanted help, it all came out of nowhere. I just fell apart in the middle of the afternoon on a regular day in the kitchen. That was a hard day. Since then I haven't had any major breakdowns until this evening.

Reading and blogging is not easy anymore. I have more thoughts to share than ever but I can't get them out because I am stuck in my own head. I have more energy to do physical things but I am still scatterbrained sometimes. I still slur things when I speak, sometimes I jumble a whole sentence into one messed up word. I don't like not being myself completely. Life has gotten a lot better but not yet normal...or at least a predictable equilibrium.

I still need someone to help me through this. Unfortunately everyone I know has their own life to live which often does not include me, so I find myself alone with my thoughts. Or alone with my Volvo, I had no idea a 1999 station wagon was capable of being such a good companion. 
I keep praying that I am nearing the end of the lonely journey. It has gone on so long and just seems never ending.