Looks Like I Have Been More Quiet Than I Thought
I am happy to report that no news, is in fact good news! I have been feeling well and staying active!
This last year, especially since post-December 2019 or so, I have felt like my body is not longer struggling like it used to.
Bad days are much more rare than before, I rarely have much pain at all, my sleep is pretty good but most of all consistent.
Sleeping better has made all the difference of course, but getting in the sauna, taking some supplements for autoimmune, and spending time de-stressing has really kept my body steady rather than the traditional ups and downs of "how am I going to feel today".
I go to the gym 3-5 times a week for most weeks, except for a couple of exceptions here and there. I have actually started making strong progress in the gym (at least for my body type). A few months ago I started seeing a personal trainer once a week at my gym, it wasn't vey expensive and I knew it would be a good way to keep myself motivated. Over the last two or so months the trainer has started to get rather impressed with my progress, last week he told me I was making better progress than a lot of the guys he's training around my age. Today I was pushing myself a little extra hard, and part way through the session he just looked at me and said "I think you've now surpassed everyone else. Its a close match between you and one other, but I think you are gaining quicker than my other clients at this point."
That made me excited to hear, because I have been going to the gym for a year and a half or so at this point, and I have made progress and gotten stronger. But now I am feeling well all the time and can count on planning ahead and feeling well for that time I have planned. I want to use part of it to go to the gym, I feel great afterwards and if anything I feel accomplished. Over the last four or so weeks I have really pushed going 4-5 times a week even if it is no longer than 30 minutes, so for him to notice the difference...it made me feel like I really was working hard.
The nice part about this trainer is he is my age and also built super skinny like myself, he is also one that would be considered a "slow gainer". So he notices the progress in a different light compared to the types of guys who can build muscle by looking at a rack of weights.
Kansas
I go back to my lyme doctor next month, its more for maintenance at this point. I could probably survive just fine without it. But due to my school schedule and whatnot, its easier to go ahead and take care of myself when it wont be a stress rather than wait for something to head south.
In total, that will be just two visits with my lyme doc this year. Next year the goal is to go once, maybe twice (again there is a lot to consider). Next year I will hopefully be going to graduate school, so depending on how I handle that will probably determine my outcome more than anything else. I think I will be alright, my spring semester of classes this previous semester was very rough. Very stressful for me, but I recovered and it was not so bad after it ended.
In the past it was hard for my body and mind to recover after a series of long stressful events. For me, chemistry class was a long stressful event.
Ongoing Symptoms
I would say Im pretty much symptom free. I can still feel the full moon sometimes, usually ill feel a lack of motivation and maybe even depression. I would say on and off depression is still my worst symptom. The severity is low but it is something that hangs on here and there, I will have a few weeks or months where life is good and its not really a problem. Then I will have a few weeks or months where it is a problem. Its usually tolerable to deal with, could certainly be worse. The lack of motivation and satisfaction is the worst for me.
Pain is pretty much gone 99% of the time, sleep is better, focus is better, mood is better (and more stable), my ability to handle stress is better, anxiety is 99% gone except for occasions (but at that it never matches what it has in the past), OCD is still around on occasion (but again nothing like it once was). Truthfully, Im doing very well and I have a lot to be thankful for.
Stress Reduction
In school, my most favorite teacher ever, taught use this last semester an amazing way of dealing with and dissolving stress. In the beginning of every class we allllll had to pull out a sheet of paper, date it, and just start writing everything on our mind. Good, bad, whatever.
Then after a minute or two, we stop then write things we are grateful for. Again just for a minute or two. Usually starting with the basics, food, a job, friends, a car, a safe home, etc. then moving on into more complicated or more specific things.
Then stop, and write another paragraph or so of whats on our mind. And go through that rotation a few times.
It made every day brighter, so I have tried my best to incorporate that into my weekly life, it was part of my daily life but I find it difficult to do the same tasks every single day. And I do not always need to decompress like that.
I highly recommend it!! Go try it, I know you're thinking about it. Say it with me, I am grateful for......
Monday, July 13, 2020
Thursday, March 26, 2020
Kansas 2020
Last week I was back in Kansas!
At this point this has become rather a routine, we check in and speak to everyone and talk for a while. Then at some point we go back and see the doctor. Our rental car this time is a bright orange Jeep Wrangler, which is exactly what my doctor drives except his isn't as bright of a... traffic cone orange.
Day 1
The doctor went over all my many test results and overall was very impressed, I did not really lose any progress since I was last there seven months ago which is a very big deal. Only one thing was a concern on my blood work, my liver enzymes were elevated by a lot, he gave me a few things to take and in a month I will get those rechecked back at home. We could not figure out why my liver could have changed so much. He said my kidneys look perfect for the first time ever, he said for someone with chronic illness to have normal kidney results, is a big deal and its a sign my body is getting back to normal. When the kidneys do not have to over work to maintain baseline minimum, its a good sign!
My thyroid also looked great. No issues there. After looking at everything he focused on my gut issues, my liver, and a few other things for the week. I had a few odd things out of my usual pattern show up on my blood work that we are going to try to figure out. Overall I am setup for great improvement, through the "grading system" that he has me use to track my symptoms and severity, I need my number to be 50 or lower. Last time it was 80 something, this time it was 68. He said this means I am getting closer to being done with coming to the clinic! The lower the number the better.
Day 2
Today the doctor talked to me more about my blood test results. He said due to the recent viral outbreak the lab has released some webinars for the doctors to watch on recognizing viral infections (as a whole), he gave me a list of things that are typically altered when one is sick with a virus. Then he told me the list of things that were off on my blood test, guess what they matched. I had the blood draw on the day I got sick with a virus last week, so he further confirmed that the odd things on my tests were probably due to a viral infection, even the liver enzymes. Considering I no longer have a viral infection, this is all good news.
He worked on inflammation, a fungal issue showing up, and some gut things to further remediate the issues with my body. As a whole he is still pretty happy with how my tests are turning out!
Day 3+4
Yesterday the doctor spent time checking out why my body had so much inflammation, he gave me something to take for inflammation and specifically inflammation in my gut. He's balanced out sensitivities towards mold and some other environmental pollutants that I could come into contact with.
Today he mainly focused on my gut, for several months I had been eating a lot more and gaining weight. In the last month that has gone away and Im back to not eating except what I have to. He's really focusing on trying to fix that. He added in a few things for my gut, interestingly the stuff he gave me isn't necessarily digestion boosters like digestive enzymes. The supplements are for my gallbladder and for preventing my body from producing too much leptin (hunger suppressing hormone). So the eating issue appears to be partly a hormonal issue rather than a diet or a malfunction. Learn something new every day.
He went over my updated test results for today, and for the most part my body is working better. The body systems he's trying to support and improve the function of, were reflected in the results-meaning treatment is working as planned.
He told me today, that we had to treat parasites for so long, there would be some gut problems to clean up after. Well the parasites are gone and have been gone, this is the cleanup of the aftermath. After that, he doesn't think there will be anything or much left wrong that I will need treated for!
Day 5
The final day was short and simple as usual, he did some more work for my gut and added another couple supplements. He adjusted my spine so I could be prepared for the flight home, and we socialized for a little bit talking about alternative medicine things as a whole. I like getting his perspective on things and seeing what his experience is with different supplements. Last year we took a family trip to Hawaii (sounds great right?) and the flight there (10hrs) completely wore me out for the whole time we were there and I didnt really enjoy it because I was running on empty the whole time. He suggested that I try a megadose of glutathione before going on a big trip and continue to take it during the trip. He said he does the same and he holds up well.
So, for now I am on a whole new set of supplements! Making progress and creating positive changes. My body is thankfully (for the most part LOL) not what it used to be! Things are starting to work like they are supposed to and I am becoming more and more human.
I have a few more things to write but for now, I think this covers the biggest changes!
Sunday, January 26, 2020
Nine Years and Still Counting
Today Marks Year Nine
As the above says, today 1/26/20 marks my ninth year of battling Lyme disease. In the beginning I had no idea I had Lyme. I had broken my arm and then never felt well again, I felt this way, then worse and worse for several years before getting any idea as to what was truly wrong with me.
For my full story, see this post from years and years ago.
I look at the last nine years and I almost want to scream, every single year has been different in thousands of ways. Consistency has not been my forté at all for how I have felt with being ill or how I had to deal with the ever rolling stresses handed to me. The first year was the beginning of the stress, I thought I was just sick from a drug interaction or from the stress of breaking multiple bones. Then I got sicker and I thought something more had to be wrong.
Year six and seven were probably the worst of the worst. I discovered anxiety and severe OCD somewhere in that timeline, I learned what starving and not being able to eat meant. I discovered new fears and pains that I had no idea were possible.
I prayed a lot. I cried a lot. I complained many times over. I made it.
Year eight was a big changing point, I began exercising for the first time in my life and was able to really begin enjoying it! I began feeling peace and calmness again in my life, something that I felt was gone forever at one point. It felt as if my body had begun "waking up", my alertness began coming back and so did my energy. Consistency starting walking into my life and pain began walking out.
Looking back, I see several people who have come and gone from my life. Some I miss and some I hope have lost my number, and truthfully I do blame lyme and what it did to me for why I left some people behind and why some people left me in the dirt. Necessities breed ingenuity, I had a great need for "real" people in my life. People that just enjoy "fun" on a Friday night and nothing else at all, no longer had a place in my life. Some of these people could not handle how I "felt" all of the time, they did not appreciate how I had too many feelings and that none of these feelings were "fun".
And some of these people I no longer felt like being around because they are rather shallow. Lyme taught me a lot about looking deeper than skin deep and it taught me that what people don't say can be louder than what they do say. I learned to listen to the world going around instead of only hearing what was placed directly in my face, which is hard to explain.
Looking back I can also see how Lyme landed me my job, which I love so much. Lyme shaped my personality into a more caring spirit, I want to work with people who need help and need people to understand. Not just a 9-5 which serves no long term purpose.
I learned that living with a purpose and a meaning was capable of reshaping my entire outlook on life.
Nine years has taught me a lot, I pray that this is the year in which I can say Lyme no longer causes me illness. To be further specific, I pray that the lyme bacteria and the damage that has been done to my body, emotions, and spirit will no longer cause me disease. Year eight has taught me that my patience has begun paying off. I go to the gym all the time, since the beginning of December I have been to the gym on average 4x per week and I have gotten into my sauna 5x per week. These things have made me feel so satisfied and happy. I do not know if its because they are helping me so much, or if I am just that grateful that I can finally exercise on a consistent basis for the first time in my life.
I cant believe I have been sick nearly a decade, it is scary to think about how quickly all of it has burned past. I am grateful though that the last few years went by quickly, because they were nothing short of horrible. If I could never relieve that part of my life, that would be great.
I thank God for all of my progress. I have prayed that I will come out on the otherside healthier and happier than ever before, without trauma and damage. I think that one day this goal will be achieved.
Heres to another benchmark year in which changes and progress and growth will be embraced and welcomed :)
As the above says, today 1/26/20 marks my ninth year of battling Lyme disease. In the beginning I had no idea I had Lyme. I had broken my arm and then never felt well again, I felt this way, then worse and worse for several years before getting any idea as to what was truly wrong with me.
For my full story, see this post from years and years ago.
I look at the last nine years and I almost want to scream, every single year has been different in thousands of ways. Consistency has not been my forté at all for how I have felt with being ill or how I had to deal with the ever rolling stresses handed to me. The first year was the beginning of the stress, I thought I was just sick from a drug interaction or from the stress of breaking multiple bones. Then I got sicker and I thought something more had to be wrong.
Year six and seven were probably the worst of the worst. I discovered anxiety and severe OCD somewhere in that timeline, I learned what starving and not being able to eat meant. I discovered new fears and pains that I had no idea were possible.
I prayed a lot. I cried a lot. I complained many times over. I made it.
Year eight was a big changing point, I began exercising for the first time in my life and was able to really begin enjoying it! I began feeling peace and calmness again in my life, something that I felt was gone forever at one point. It felt as if my body had begun "waking up", my alertness began coming back and so did my energy. Consistency starting walking into my life and pain began walking out.
Looking back, I see several people who have come and gone from my life. Some I miss and some I hope have lost my number, and truthfully I do blame lyme and what it did to me for why I left some people behind and why some people left me in the dirt. Necessities breed ingenuity, I had a great need for "real" people in my life. People that just enjoy "fun" on a Friday night and nothing else at all, no longer had a place in my life. Some of these people could not handle how I "felt" all of the time, they did not appreciate how I had too many feelings and that none of these feelings were "fun".
And some of these people I no longer felt like being around because they are rather shallow. Lyme taught me a lot about looking deeper than skin deep and it taught me that what people don't say can be louder than what they do say. I learned to listen to the world going around instead of only hearing what was placed directly in my face, which is hard to explain.
Looking back I can also see how Lyme landed me my job, which I love so much. Lyme shaped my personality into a more caring spirit, I want to work with people who need help and need people to understand. Not just a 9-5 which serves no long term purpose.
I learned that living with a purpose and a meaning was capable of reshaping my entire outlook on life.
Nine years has taught me a lot, I pray that this is the year in which I can say Lyme no longer causes me illness. To be further specific, I pray that the lyme bacteria and the damage that has been done to my body, emotions, and spirit will no longer cause me disease. Year eight has taught me that my patience has begun paying off. I go to the gym all the time, since the beginning of December I have been to the gym on average 4x per week and I have gotten into my sauna 5x per week. These things have made me feel so satisfied and happy. I do not know if its because they are helping me so much, or if I am just that grateful that I can finally exercise on a consistent basis for the first time in my life.
I cant believe I have been sick nearly a decade, it is scary to think about how quickly all of it has burned past. I am grateful though that the last few years went by quickly, because they were nothing short of horrible. If I could never relieve that part of my life, that would be great.
I thank God for all of my progress. I have prayed that I will come out on the otherside healthier and happier than ever before, without trauma and damage. I think that one day this goal will be achieved.
Heres to another benchmark year in which changes and progress and growth will be embraced and welcomed :)
Tuesday, December 17, 2019
If It Breaks
Broken Things
Send us a big message. Its taken me a while to understand this. As I am working on a degree in psychology, I have been taught more and more on how to notice what is going on inside of myself so that I can better understand what is going on inside of someone else world. When something breaks, that "thing" sends a very broad yet specific message, "time to make a new choice".
Choices are hard, or at least they can be. Humans naturally fear the unknown, why? I haven't taken that class yet. Theres gotta be a reason though, Im sure of it.
Choices can bring fun new things, like choosing to buy something that has taken a while to save up for. Or taking a trip to somewhere that you have always wanted to go too.
Choosing to live in a new town, or even a new state, can be very scary. In that instance, there is a lot of unknown that has to be processed, maybe thats why people tend to live in a more stagnant life.
In my experience, and I have mentioned this many times before, people with a severe chronic illness have been put through some sort of major trauma that played part as a catalyst in their illness.
That is part of the reason I have chosen to earn a degree in psychology, to better understand myself and to better advocate for those who have been through more than they could handle. It can be hard to choose to move on from whatever the trauma was. Personally, I am in the "rebuilding" stage of lyme. I no longer have an active raging infection, it may not be 100% gone but it is no longer tearing my body apart. I have to repair the damage. Over the last few years my doctor has been working on my adrenals and hormones, those seem to being doing well according to my last test results.
My immune system is not leveled out yet, I have been rotating through having a high positive ANA to a negative ANA. ANA is an autoimmune test, it shows if the body is destroying its own tissue somewhere(as I understand it). In March this year my ANA was 1:160, which is a very high + test. In July it was negative, July I was also feeling the best with the least physical complaints. This month it tested at a 1:80, which is a high + but not as severe as the 1:160. Meaning it could be worse, but somewhere in my body I have damage occurring due to my own immune system.
I had to make a choice, I had to choose to take initiative and figure out what I needed to change in my life to push my body in the right direction. I decided to try some high doses of some supplements I had been taking earlier this year when my ANA was normal. I had to choose to realize (and not ignore) that the biggest problem I have is that I just dont handle stress well. I know I dont. A good friend of mine has been telling me about how I need to meditate to calm my mind and I need to do it frequently to keep my body in the right pattern. Have I done that yet? No. Do I know I need to? Yes. I do. I have been doing some deep breathing when I think about it and when I am in the sauna I try to relax and get the world out of my mind. I am pushing myself in the right direction, eventually Ill get there.
Having things "broken" with myself has taught me that choices are important. And ignoring a choice, is by default making a choice. I have learned to ask myself "if it breaks, does it heal?" , because the important things in life that truly matter can either heal or be fixed. Think about it. The most important thing in my life is my relationship with God, do I make mistakes? All the time, always will. I try my best but in the end I am human and will make mistakes. (Anyone who cant see that they make mistakes just needs a new mirror to see themselves in). People we care about in life, we hold close and go out of our way to make a priority in our lives. Our hobbies, its easy to pickup a hobby and make it whatever you want to be. My hobby is my old car, I have done all sorts of projects on it to make it "better" and continue to make plans for more projects on the car. I make it a priority in my life because I enjoy it. If my car breaks, I fix it, not because I "can" but because its an opportunity for me to learn something new.
Reaching the end of the year, I have looked back on some projects and people in my life and thought about how they could have gone different. But in reality I know whatever was suppose to happen, did. Nothing "failed" because I didn't work hard enough or because I "did it wrong". I made choices to move on, because my heart was no longer in it. I have had a few friends who may have been a bit toxic in my life that I pushed away (on purpose) and I have thought to myself, was that the right thing? Sure I could have done some things a bit different but, I made choices. It wont be the last time I have to make some space between myself and others. I had to abandon one of my car projects and sell it on to the next owner, because my heart was no longer in it. That project had morphed into a pit, and that pit sucked all the fun out of it.
Now that the year is coming to an end I am trying to make choices on what I want to do with myself for the next coming year. This time next year I should be graduated with a degree in Psychology and a minor in sociology. I will be facing some big changes then! Good changes! But I know that I myself, need to be a little more prepared than I am for some of the things coming in the future.
Send us a big message. Its taken me a while to understand this. As I am working on a degree in psychology, I have been taught more and more on how to notice what is going on inside of myself so that I can better understand what is going on inside of someone else world. When something breaks, that "thing" sends a very broad yet specific message, "time to make a new choice".
Choices are hard, or at least they can be. Humans naturally fear the unknown, why? I haven't taken that class yet. Theres gotta be a reason though, Im sure of it.
Choices can bring fun new things, like choosing to buy something that has taken a while to save up for. Or taking a trip to somewhere that you have always wanted to go too.
Choosing to live in a new town, or even a new state, can be very scary. In that instance, there is a lot of unknown that has to be processed, maybe thats why people tend to live in a more stagnant life.
In my experience, and I have mentioned this many times before, people with a severe chronic illness have been put through some sort of major trauma that played part as a catalyst in their illness.
That is part of the reason I have chosen to earn a degree in psychology, to better understand myself and to better advocate for those who have been through more than they could handle. It can be hard to choose to move on from whatever the trauma was. Personally, I am in the "rebuilding" stage of lyme. I no longer have an active raging infection, it may not be 100% gone but it is no longer tearing my body apart. I have to repair the damage. Over the last few years my doctor has been working on my adrenals and hormones, those seem to being doing well according to my last test results.
My immune system is not leveled out yet, I have been rotating through having a high positive ANA to a negative ANA. ANA is an autoimmune test, it shows if the body is destroying its own tissue somewhere(as I understand it). In March this year my ANA was 1:160, which is a very high + test. In July it was negative, July I was also feeling the best with the least physical complaints. This month it tested at a 1:80, which is a high + but not as severe as the 1:160. Meaning it could be worse, but somewhere in my body I have damage occurring due to my own immune system.
I had to make a choice, I had to choose to take initiative and figure out what I needed to change in my life to push my body in the right direction. I decided to try some high doses of some supplements I had been taking earlier this year when my ANA was normal. I had to choose to realize (and not ignore) that the biggest problem I have is that I just dont handle stress well. I know I dont. A good friend of mine has been telling me about how I need to meditate to calm my mind and I need to do it frequently to keep my body in the right pattern. Have I done that yet? No. Do I know I need to? Yes. I do. I have been doing some deep breathing when I think about it and when I am in the sauna I try to relax and get the world out of my mind. I am pushing myself in the right direction, eventually Ill get there.
Having things "broken" with myself has taught me that choices are important. And ignoring a choice, is by default making a choice. I have learned to ask myself "if it breaks, does it heal?" , because the important things in life that truly matter can either heal or be fixed. Think about it. The most important thing in my life is my relationship with God, do I make mistakes? All the time, always will. I try my best but in the end I am human and will make mistakes. (Anyone who cant see that they make mistakes just needs a new mirror to see themselves in). People we care about in life, we hold close and go out of our way to make a priority in our lives. Our hobbies, its easy to pickup a hobby and make it whatever you want to be. My hobby is my old car, I have done all sorts of projects on it to make it "better" and continue to make plans for more projects on the car. I make it a priority in my life because I enjoy it. If my car breaks, I fix it, not because I "can" but because its an opportunity for me to learn something new.
Reaching the end of the year, I have looked back on some projects and people in my life and thought about how they could have gone different. But in reality I know whatever was suppose to happen, did. Nothing "failed" because I didn't work hard enough or because I "did it wrong". I made choices to move on, because my heart was no longer in it. I have had a few friends who may have been a bit toxic in my life that I pushed away (on purpose) and I have thought to myself, was that the right thing? Sure I could have done some things a bit different but, I made choices. It wont be the last time I have to make some space between myself and others. I had to abandon one of my car projects and sell it on to the next owner, because my heart was no longer in it. That project had morphed into a pit, and that pit sucked all the fun out of it.
Now that the year is coming to an end I am trying to make choices on what I want to do with myself for the next coming year. This time next year I should be graduated with a degree in Psychology and a minor in sociology. I will be facing some big changes then! Good changes! But I know that I myself, need to be a little more prepared than I am for some of the things coming in the future.
Tuesday, November 26, 2019
IV C
Im spending the morning getting an IV of vitamin C, magnesium, and amino acids. In hopes that this will make me feel better. In the past the IV's have helped a lot, my practitioner has been unable to get the glutathione due to company backorder. Which is surprising to me that months later that it is still on back order, but anyway, here we are.
Yesterday at work i used the cold laser on my head for a few minutes to see if that would help, and it did. In the past when anxiety and ocd were severe the laser seemed like it would reduce the severity every time. It works by decreasing inflammation and increasing circulation, which apparently my brain needs.
PANDAS and lyme both cause inflammation in the brain, for one lyme insomnia can be inflammation related. Im wondering if maybe I am going through a PANDAS flair, judging by my symptoms I have been having it wouldnt shock me if the stress from school was causing me to have a flair.
I havent really had any full blown anxiety, but I have noticed I have had a lot of thought fixation, heart racing, fatigue, food tastes bad, low appetite, my stomach has been making weird noises, and I havent felt just right.
Yesterday morning I was feeling terrible, and I was dragging and didnt really want to work or do anything. In the afternoon I did the laser, and by that evening I was feeling much much better and I was able to have fun with some friends. Total flip. Back when I had full on PANDAS I did the laser therapy frequently, I think it may be time to get back to that, at least for the duration of the school year.
I tested myself on the biofeedback machine yesterday, its a machine that can find stresses in the body electronically, my body had stresses towards strep, lyme, chronic inflammation, respiratory virus, and a few other nasty things.
I have been around a bunch of sick people lately, who were diagnosed with a respiratory virus. All over the last two weeks, I partly wonder if maybe my exposure to the virus, could have flipped out my immune system. Instead of me getting a respiratory cough like they did, maybe maybe immune system response made me feel poorly and I ended up with inflammation in my brain instead.
I know in the past when I have had minor symptom flairs, usually it can be traced back to some sick people around me. I dont *normally* get regular sick, like a cold or anything like that. It does happen but not all that often.
I am going Monday to get some blood drawn, its been a while since I have had everything checked out.
Sunday, November 24, 2019
Headaches
Ouch
I dont know what ive done, but headaches have been a frequent occurrence for me. Nothing seems to make them completely go away which is also unusual, ive had one all day today, 4 tylenol in so far. A few hours ago I started shaking, and its pretty bad its not just a tremor. Typing is kinda difficult.
Not sure what I did, but I did it!
Yesterday was a decent enough day, I got plenty done and hung out with some friends. It was alright, I wasn't terribly connected but it was fun being out of the house.
I am starting to wonder if I am in some sort of PANDAS flair, though mild. Because over the last few weeks I have been having the PANDAS symptoms. Friday in math class I was nearly crying i was in so much pain. I have been tearing up a lot lately and have been hurting a lot more. My mind hasn't been the greatest, depression has been terrible and I feel very disconnected from the rest of the world.
Ive been contemplating and praying on what I should do to try to fix it, but im not really sure. Ive been taking some natural antibiotics and antiparasitics, they have been giving me a big reaction, so ive dropped back on those. I cant handle a herx right now, but I have been getting in the sauna and I think its been helpful.
I dont know what ive done, but headaches have been a frequent occurrence for me. Nothing seems to make them completely go away which is also unusual, ive had one all day today, 4 tylenol in so far. A few hours ago I started shaking, and its pretty bad its not just a tremor. Typing is kinda difficult.
Not sure what I did, but I did it!
Yesterday was a decent enough day, I got plenty done and hung out with some friends. It was alright, I wasn't terribly connected but it was fun being out of the house.
I am starting to wonder if I am in some sort of PANDAS flair, though mild. Because over the last few weeks I have been having the PANDAS symptoms. Friday in math class I was nearly crying i was in so much pain. I have been tearing up a lot lately and have been hurting a lot more. My mind hasn't been the greatest, depression has been terrible and I feel very disconnected from the rest of the world.
Ive been contemplating and praying on what I should do to try to fix it, but im not really sure. Ive been taking some natural antibiotics and antiparasitics, they have been giving me a big reaction, so ive dropped back on those. I cant handle a herx right now, but I have been getting in the sauna and I think its been helpful.
Tuesday, November 19, 2019
Depersonalization
Lets Talk
Ok so my four years or so that I have been writing this blog I have shared (overshared?) on my mental health, which was severely affected by the lyme.
People that know me in person who read this blog, know how secretive I am about all of my mental health issues. Its not that I dont like to talk about it, I just dont want to seem like A complainer. Its easy to over share to a listening ear.
At my worst, I was collapsing from panic and hiding it. I would feel it coming on and I would go hide in the bathroom or shower (if I was home) and wait it out. I was hellbent about letting anyone see my breakdown, Im a save your tears for the pillow kind of person. I think that it is great to have people to share with but I dont think its the greatest to share anything and everything, all the time. Plus I am afraid of letting anyone see me fall apart, why? Not sure.
Earlier this year when I had to do hyperbaric oxygen therapy, my brain began recovering and my anxiety began going away as well as my panic and other psychological symptoms. The game began to change and I realized I was beginning to feel like "me" again. I would wake up and I was me, I would go to bed and I was me, I would go to work and I was me. I had forgotten what that felt like, I still dont entirely know how to explain all of it. I dont know how to describe what "I" feel like vs. what "that" felt like. Cold? Dark? Watching from the shadows? Living in a dream? Watching the world go by in technicolor?
I began recovering during the summer and I am still learning to rediscover myself. One odd thing ive done (or at least odd to other people) is that I dont date. At all, ever. Never been on one, never tried. And ive rejected the offers ive gotten (and ive had offers from both genders, but thats a story for another day).
Its scary to look back and realize how much I have forgotten. Its like I can see blank spaces in my memory.
Before the PANDAS I had brain fog and trouble remembering and it was severe at times, but I dont think I felt like I had forgotten chunks of my life.\
Now I think I can say that, now that I have pulled out of the PANDAS nightmare its like I can look back and see myself in this bubble of an outside reality. Its hard to believe that I felt like that, and that my body didnt feel like mine and how I could go to work and function an entirely normal day...except I spent every single minute every day thinking about how I wanted to get out of my body. I wanted to get out of it, I felt cold all the time (emotionally) and I truly didnt enjoy anything.
I had some good days of course, but I had an overwhelming number of scary days where I know that I should have reached out to someone, a professional.
Fast forward to school, this semester. Abnormal psychology class with my favorite teacher ever!
Weekly, we are assigned a case study to read on different mental dissorders. This semester I realised I could relate myself and have a story to tell on probably 85% of the disorders that we covered. OCD, depersonalization, anxiety, panic +agoraphobia, narcissism, phobias, and a few im forgetting.
On the bright side, I did a great job writing and I got some amazing grades and some emails from my professor about how great of a job I have done. But I have talked to her and she knows about my health issues and I have written on them for school, all in all, I learned more about me and the seriousness of what some of what I went through was.
Depersonalisation was one that we covered towards the beginning of the semester, watching the assigned videos and reading the case study was an eye opening moment.
Depersonalization and Multiple personality disorder are related to eachother, usually depersonalsation will happen first and in the worse case scenario a persons personality will split and create "alters" to "protect" them from whatever the initial trauma was.
Multiple personality disorder is extremely rare, <1% of the US population. Often shows up in young kids, not necessarily adults (if I remember correctly).
The class really made me understand what kind of stress my body was under, for me to pull away from "myself" and feel so "gone" and distant, my brain would have had to have been under a heavy assault. I stand in awe today, that I am still here. I am for the most part, OK. Progress is still to be made but ya know what? Im alright.
I thank God. Once again man didn't have any answer as to what was wrong with me and they couldnt see the severity of what was happening to me. I prayed to die, a lot.
Suicide is something that gets covered extensively in any psych class, its a big deal and it is not as uncommon as it should be. I know for a fact that if I did not pray to God and have faith that everything was for a purpose, and that I did not pray for God to lead me through this stronger than when I first started, I would have killed myself. The professor talking about this subject was "triggering" it woke up a lot of thoughts and memories and stirred plenty of emotions. I put myself in the shoes of others, for the "what if" scenario and I did not want to walk that reality.
Thats not what I was put on this earth for.
I learned that if I had been truthful about my psychological stresses to my therapist when I was going, that I would have been put on high risk suicide watch because I met the criteria by 3 fold or so.
One of the questions during this particular lesson was, how many times a day / week do you think about death or suicide.
The "normal" number, was not a very big one at all.
The amount of times a "sick" person who either might or did commit suicide, was a fraction of my number. A small fraction.
In other words, I contemplated death and suicide by conscious thought way more than what was okay (not that any is okay, our thoughts can be sending us a message).
Depersonalization plays into a lot of psych issues including PTSD, depression, MPD, and severe panic or trauma. It is another psychological issue that does not just "happen" and "last", like (unfortunatly) depression or anxiety can.
Anxiety usually comes in a wave, may last minutes or hours, but then at some point it will end and may not happen again for a while. Depersonalisation is kinda like a cloud, it hovers and stays, lasting for days. Weeks. 2 years.
It alters reality and perception, self image and outlook on life.
I now understand why I did not handle lyme the same way as some of the other people I know who have been affected, it was due to PANDAS and severe infectious+autoimmune trauma to my brain and nervous system. I am grateful for my recovery, I am not done yet but I am "me"and I am thankful to God for giving me purpose and giving me the voice to help give others hope. I havent met anyone on this planet yet that hasnt been through SOMETHING that was in need of empathy and understanding.
Why do I bring this up?
Todays post has nothing to do with me, i'm doing alright and today was a good day. I was watching a video on youtube from a person I watch on a frequent ish basis, and this person was talking about why they havent posted anything in a while and it was due to depression, anxiety and depersonalisation.
This person has been on meds for depression for almost a decade, and this year they began to quit working and the replacement meds weren't working either. He talked about depersonalisation and how he felt like he was in a dream, he was talking on the phone with his mom and said it didnt feel like he was even talking on the phone or doing anything. He was just there.
I couldnt help but wonder if he tried alternative medicine like I have, would he be recovering or have answers as to why the drugs stopped working?
Watching him talk about what happened to him woke up some thoughts from class that I thought I should share with you guys. Offer some hope, life can and will get better. I am thankful I only had this for just a few years instead of decades.
I cannot stress enough that help is out there, it just takes a little time and patience to find. Dont ignore what your body is saying, whether it be joint pain from lyme, panic attacks from strep, PTSD from trauma, whatever it may be. Its a side affect of a problem that our bodies are trying to get us to pay attention to, they arent a torture sentence for punishment.
I can easily keep talking about this subject, working around sick people and lyme patients on a frequent basis has opened my eyes towards how common psychological suffering is...and how many different ways it manifests itself.
Its sad that we are all walking this earth together, each one of us fighting a personal battle either small or large, and yet we are all "good" whenever the shallow "how are you?" gets asked.
Love is free, we dont have to understand anything at all to show kindness to someone in need. I talk a good talk when it comes to seeming like I know a thing or two about disease and psychological things, but at the heart of it all I just want to be a caring human who wants to warm someones day. I do not understand what it is like to have cancer, to lose a spouse or a parent, or what it is like to fight in combat, but I can still offer someone a listening ear and the few thoughts I have to share (Im a guy I like to offer a solution, its how im wired).
Anyway, I havent written anything long in a while so I guess its been over due. I wasnt even planning on writing anything today, but thats usually how it goes.
"Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is Gods will for you in Christ Jesus" 1 Thessalonians 5:18
Ok so my four years or so that I have been writing this blog I have shared (overshared?) on my mental health, which was severely affected by the lyme.
People that know me in person who read this blog, know how secretive I am about all of my mental health issues. Its not that I dont like to talk about it, I just dont want to seem like A complainer. Its easy to over share to a listening ear.
At my worst, I was collapsing from panic and hiding it. I would feel it coming on and I would go hide in the bathroom or shower (if I was home) and wait it out. I was hellbent about letting anyone see my breakdown, Im a save your tears for the pillow kind of person. I think that it is great to have people to share with but I dont think its the greatest to share anything and everything, all the time. Plus I am afraid of letting anyone see me fall apart, why? Not sure.
Earlier this year when I had to do hyperbaric oxygen therapy, my brain began recovering and my anxiety began going away as well as my panic and other psychological symptoms. The game began to change and I realized I was beginning to feel like "me" again. I would wake up and I was me, I would go to bed and I was me, I would go to work and I was me. I had forgotten what that felt like, I still dont entirely know how to explain all of it. I dont know how to describe what "I" feel like vs. what "that" felt like. Cold? Dark? Watching from the shadows? Living in a dream? Watching the world go by in technicolor?
I began recovering during the summer and I am still learning to rediscover myself. One odd thing ive done (or at least odd to other people) is that I dont date. At all, ever. Never been on one, never tried. And ive rejected the offers ive gotten (and ive had offers from both genders, but thats a story for another day).
Its scary to look back and realize how much I have forgotten. Its like I can see blank spaces in my memory.
Before the PANDAS I had brain fog and trouble remembering and it was severe at times, but I dont think I felt like I had forgotten chunks of my life.\
Now I think I can say that, now that I have pulled out of the PANDAS nightmare its like I can look back and see myself in this bubble of an outside reality. Its hard to believe that I felt like that, and that my body didnt feel like mine and how I could go to work and function an entirely normal day...except I spent every single minute every day thinking about how I wanted to get out of my body. I wanted to get out of it, I felt cold all the time (emotionally) and I truly didnt enjoy anything.
I had some good days of course, but I had an overwhelming number of scary days where I know that I should have reached out to someone, a professional.
Fast forward to school, this semester. Abnormal psychology class with my favorite teacher ever!
Weekly, we are assigned a case study to read on different mental dissorders. This semester I realised I could relate myself and have a story to tell on probably 85% of the disorders that we covered. OCD, depersonalization, anxiety, panic +agoraphobia, narcissism, phobias, and a few im forgetting.
On the bright side, I did a great job writing and I got some amazing grades and some emails from my professor about how great of a job I have done. But I have talked to her and she knows about my health issues and I have written on them for school, all in all, I learned more about me and the seriousness of what some of what I went through was.
Depersonalisation was one that we covered towards the beginning of the semester, watching the assigned videos and reading the case study was an eye opening moment.
Depersonalization and Multiple personality disorder are related to eachother, usually depersonalsation will happen first and in the worse case scenario a persons personality will split and create "alters" to "protect" them from whatever the initial trauma was.
Multiple personality disorder is extremely rare, <1% of the US population. Often shows up in young kids, not necessarily adults (if I remember correctly).
The class really made me understand what kind of stress my body was under, for me to pull away from "myself" and feel so "gone" and distant, my brain would have had to have been under a heavy assault. I stand in awe today, that I am still here. I am for the most part, OK. Progress is still to be made but ya know what? Im alright.
I thank God. Once again man didn't have any answer as to what was wrong with me and they couldnt see the severity of what was happening to me. I prayed to die, a lot.
Suicide is something that gets covered extensively in any psych class, its a big deal and it is not as uncommon as it should be. I know for a fact that if I did not pray to God and have faith that everything was for a purpose, and that I did not pray for God to lead me through this stronger than when I first started, I would have killed myself. The professor talking about this subject was "triggering" it woke up a lot of thoughts and memories and stirred plenty of emotions. I put myself in the shoes of others, for the "what if" scenario and I did not want to walk that reality.
Thats not what I was put on this earth for.
I learned that if I had been truthful about my psychological stresses to my therapist when I was going, that I would have been put on high risk suicide watch because I met the criteria by 3 fold or so.
One of the questions during this particular lesson was, how many times a day / week do you think about death or suicide.
The "normal" number, was not a very big one at all.
The amount of times a "sick" person who either might or did commit suicide, was a fraction of my number. A small fraction.
In other words, I contemplated death and suicide by conscious thought way more than what was okay (not that any is okay, our thoughts can be sending us a message).
Depersonalization plays into a lot of psych issues including PTSD, depression, MPD, and severe panic or trauma. It is another psychological issue that does not just "happen" and "last", like (unfortunatly) depression or anxiety can.
Anxiety usually comes in a wave, may last minutes or hours, but then at some point it will end and may not happen again for a while. Depersonalisation is kinda like a cloud, it hovers and stays, lasting for days. Weeks. 2 years.
It alters reality and perception, self image and outlook on life.
I now understand why I did not handle lyme the same way as some of the other people I know who have been affected, it was due to PANDAS and severe infectious+autoimmune trauma to my brain and nervous system. I am grateful for my recovery, I am not done yet but I am "me"and I am thankful to God for giving me purpose and giving me the voice to help give others hope. I havent met anyone on this planet yet that hasnt been through SOMETHING that was in need of empathy and understanding.
Why do I bring this up?
Todays post has nothing to do with me, i'm doing alright and today was a good day. I was watching a video on youtube from a person I watch on a frequent ish basis, and this person was talking about why they havent posted anything in a while and it was due to depression, anxiety and depersonalisation.
This person has been on meds for depression for almost a decade, and this year they began to quit working and the replacement meds weren't working either. He talked about depersonalisation and how he felt like he was in a dream, he was talking on the phone with his mom and said it didnt feel like he was even talking on the phone or doing anything. He was just there.
I couldnt help but wonder if he tried alternative medicine like I have, would he be recovering or have answers as to why the drugs stopped working?
Watching him talk about what happened to him woke up some thoughts from class that I thought I should share with you guys. Offer some hope, life can and will get better. I am thankful I only had this for just a few years instead of decades.
I cannot stress enough that help is out there, it just takes a little time and patience to find. Dont ignore what your body is saying, whether it be joint pain from lyme, panic attacks from strep, PTSD from trauma, whatever it may be. Its a side affect of a problem that our bodies are trying to get us to pay attention to, they arent a torture sentence for punishment.
I can easily keep talking about this subject, working around sick people and lyme patients on a frequent basis has opened my eyes towards how common psychological suffering is...and how many different ways it manifests itself.
Its sad that we are all walking this earth together, each one of us fighting a personal battle either small or large, and yet we are all "good" whenever the shallow "how are you?" gets asked.
Love is free, we dont have to understand anything at all to show kindness to someone in need. I talk a good talk when it comes to seeming like I know a thing or two about disease and psychological things, but at the heart of it all I just want to be a caring human who wants to warm someones day. I do not understand what it is like to have cancer, to lose a spouse or a parent, or what it is like to fight in combat, but I can still offer someone a listening ear and the few thoughts I have to share (Im a guy I like to offer a solution, its how im wired).
Anyway, I havent written anything long in a while so I guess its been over due. I wasnt even planning on writing anything today, but thats usually how it goes.
"Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is Gods will for you in Christ Jesus" 1 Thessalonians 5:18
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