So High Until I Hit a Nose Dive

I have tried to stay positive through out my Lyme Disease journey. I always tell myself tomorrow will be a better day. God has a plan, everything happens in perfect timing.

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end." Ecclesiastes 3:11

Nothing happens for no reason at all. I truly believe
 that. You know what? I have learned some fantastic things throughout this journey with this disease. It has shaped the way I think and how I view my future for the better without a doubt.

I just can't look back. I have to live in the moment. A moment can only last so long, good or bad. It will end and something new and better will arise. It always does.

I have been sick chronically for over five years. All of my teenage life.

I have missed out on many things, something anyone chronically ill can say.
I was at my worst when I was 15, I lost that entire year. I barely remember it, I can remember getting my learners permit and learning to drive. That's it though, I know I spent countless hours researching and reading but I couldn't quote one article now. I just know I did it.

13 wasn't that much different, it was just the beginning. That is when I had the injury that changed my life. When I was injured I slept through six months basically. When I injured my arm I had a cast for 9 weeks. When I got out of that thing my arm had no strength and couldn't move. This lead to physical therapy. If I wasn't sick before I was after that. Twice weekly having strenuous activity forced on my arm was painful. My skin and bones were on fire, I never want to be back in that place.

At some point after finishing conventional physical therapy I crashed and burned. This is when I first saw the ND. I improved yes. Then crashed again when I was 14. Then again when I was 15.
Eventually this leads up to the present day.

During all of this time I've had to fake feeling good enough to keep other people happy. On the days I couldn't handle faking my emotions I stayed in and stayed alone. It's the only thing I could tolerate.
Those days turned into weeks.

I quite talking to everyone unless I had to. But I didn't look sick! That I feel is what knocked me down. People just assumed I didn't want to talk to them if I wasn't the first one to reach out to make plans.
I couldn't even hold my phone some days. I couldn't reach out to do anything, not that I could get out of bed.

After working with the DO I did eventually start to be able to venture out again. I am very grateful someone was able to see what I needed, at the right time. Even today I don't get as bad as I used to.

Bad days still happen though. Today has been one of them.
For my graduation presentation I have to make a slideshow and pick a song to go with it. Looking through so many pictures from just the last few years has thrown me into depression. Seeing all of those memories was just too much. I can see in my face that my smile, my emotions are fake. I can see in my face that I don't look like I used to. I don't look well and I don't look happy.

Just thinking back makes me upset. I have tried so hard on my own to feel better, to find what my body needs so I can function like a normal human being. This isn't something one person can take on alone. I need help. I have read books, blogs, everything on the Internet, YouTube videos, but it just isn't enough. It never seems to be.

Seeing all of those pictures is just stressful. I hate every picture I am in, I can see through my own mask. I hate that. I don't want to see these memories of being sick. I want to look back at pictures and remember how much fun I was having or something other teenagers would be doing.
I don't see that. Out of thousands of pictures on my computer there was only a few dozen with me in them, usually I am the photographer.
Out of those dozens I found maybe seven I could tolerate.

In my entire teenage life I have seven pictures of me that I don't hate. One or two that I like.
It is so hard looking back at these memories. Many of them are vague at that.

In these pictures I see other people around me. Healthy people.(sick people you understand me People that have never lived with chronic pain, insomnia, fatigue, dizziness, and a billion more symptoms on a daily basis for years. Which is great for them. I do not wish this disease on anyone.
What gets to me is how they don't get it. They cannot understand what they have never experienced, but seeing how happy they are with me standing their trying to mimic one of them so I don't stand out. It hurts.

I will never get that time back. Even now I have to assume one day I will feel better and I willing actually have emotions that aren't on autopilot. I feel like this is something all people with chronic disease suffer from. It's terrible we live in this fallen world where this has become an everyday lifestyle for so many people. What's so bad is how we all feel alone even though we are surrounded with other sick people. Take a look around you, half of the people in your must are on at least one prescription I would bet you.

This is all I can write for one night. I promis I will post my 5th day at the Hansa center tomorrow. I'm just a few days late..haha..

but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles;they
shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.